


Fastest Runner, Highest Jumper

by DearOne



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Best Friends, Established Relationship, Friendship/Love, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con References, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-25
Updated: 2011-02-25
Packaged: 2017-11-02 18:59:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/372269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearOne/pseuds/DearOne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't hate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Title comes from something Ryan once said. 2) Ryan and Jon's tweets are real. The replies are NOT real. There are similar tweets out there that I'm sure Ryan and Jon (and all the rest) are NOT oblivious to. If my NOT real replies are in fact, real, it is a coincidence. I worked the replies into the fic to make a point for the storyline, you gets? And I feel I must say that I do not mean any harm or wish to express hate. 3) Story was born from this [comment](http://pinkichan.livejournal.com/31318.html?thread=338262#t338262).

Part 1

"Fuck. shit, what happened, Ryan?"

Ryan came through the door with his arms around himself. He was dripping with blood, swollen, and bent over. And, oh yeah, his shirt was missing, and his pants might as well have been missing; the button gone, the zip undone. Dark pubic hair peeked through the opening. "I got robbed," Ryan said as he met Jon's eyes.

"We got to get you to the hospital," Jon said as he reached his side.

Ryan waved the older man off. "'Mm fine. Just--I need a shower, a hot shower," Ryan gritted out as he limped towards the bathroom. 

Jon knew that Ryan wouldn't change his mind so he dropped the suggestion. "I'll um get some bandages."

"And some pain killers, I'm kinda in pain."

"No shit."

=========================

 **imstillryanross** [_"Dead on-est"_](https://twitter.com/#!/thisisryanross/status/18088771082)

 **@imstillryanross** but you aren't dead (wish you were, j/k?) or honest. lol you suckkkk, go back to panic!!!!

=========================

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: yeah, that's not ryan's real twitter UN, i'm changing it because i can. and, also, don't hate me for writing this =p


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

Ryan took stock of his injuries: a cut above his right cheek, a cut on his lower lip, marks on his chest, stomach and shoulder, scratch marks on his left hip and inner thighs. Ryan winced as he lowered himself in the tub. He didn't want to check if he was bleeding where he couldn't see.

When Jon entered the room, Ryan didn't allow him to say anything. "No, I don't know who it was. They're still out there. Cops are out of the question. I'll be okay," Ryan said as he pulled the plug from the drain and stood up. "It's not that bad anyway, see?" Ryan turned the knob to the shower. "No more blood."

Jon shook his head, watching the blood swirl with the water as it went down the drain. The steam from the heat of the water made his head feel fuzzy. "You look like shit, and you'll look even more shittier when you wake up in the morning. How many were there?"

"Two. They wore animal masks. Dark Eyes. Deep voices. One bit me" Ryan said, evenly, calmly, too calmly. "Actually--"

"If you joke or say anything remotely funny about what happened, I'll add another bruise to your face." Jon circled his hand around Ryan's wrist. "Turn around."

"What? No. I just got attacked here, I think I want to be alone right now."

"What did they rob you of, Ryan? Money?" Jon bit out, as he bent down to reach for what was left of Ryan's pants.

"Don't--"

"I see your wallet is intact." Jon threw the wallet somewhere behind him. "Can I say the same for your asshole?"

Ryan winced. He never heard Jon talk like this. It was a different side to Jon. Jon, the one who never lost his cool. Sure, he always said what was on his mind, but this? This was Jon being angry. Ryan didn't know what to make of it, but something in his gut wanted Jon like this. Ryan rolled his eyes at his thoughts. He was stupid and he knew it. Jon knew this.

"Did they use protection?" The whispered words hung in the air.

Ryan turned away from Jon and looked up towards the shower head. He was completely naked, he realized, and Jon was staring at him. And the tone of his voice had changed. Ryan knew that Jon was silently yelling at himself for being so harsh. Ryan wished that Jon would yell at him. He wished that from Jon because he hated thinking about how he, himself, couldn't scream or shout even after what happened. "He fisted me. He said I wanted it that way."

Jon didn't say anything back. He took a step forward after a few minutes, or it could have been seconds that only felt like minutes. Jon pulled him to his chest. 

"It's nothing. It's only my body."

Jon held him tighter, and wondered for the millionth time why Ryan had to go through what he went through to make him like this. 

=====================================================

 **tobejonwalker** [_What do you want to be when you grow up?_](https://twitter.com/#!/iamjonwalker/status/16711209522)

 **@tobejonwalker** not u. used to be a role model, now you're a loser

=====================================================

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

Jon was left to his thoughts as Ryan slept. Took some time and a lot of Tylenol PM for him to pass out in, Jon hoped, a dreamless sleep. The last few hours were completely straining and just plain wrong. Everything played out as if it didn't happen. It wasn't at all like the movies when someone is raped, how afterwards they show a shower scene, where the person just cries and cries, or in complete and utter shock. They would be in fetal position by the drain of the tub with the water just pouring and pouring over them, washing away the blood but not the hurt. Jon thought back to what actually happened. No, this was real life. This was real life with Ryan. 

Ryan was the type of person that people wanted to be around. People gravitated to the thin musician. It's not because he's pretty, okay, maybe that's a part of it. But for the most part, the real reason was that Ryan was there for you. Everything about him was for the people around him, altering himself to suit the other's needs. 

And people would naturally want to see if they could figure him out, like a puzzle needing to be solved, to be scrutinized over, to be put together, to be fixed.

Ryan was always so good with his masks. People tended to think he was fragile at a glance, but that's not the case at all. Ryan was strong, too strong for his own good, wanting everybody to think he was someone he isn't. He wanted people to think that he knew himself well, that he was comfortable in his skin. 

People close to him knew bits and pieces of his life growing up, but never the complete story. Knowing the story may abate a person's curiosity over the enigma that is Ryan Ross, however, Ryan will never tell what happened to him, what he had to deal with in his past. He's too busy wearing his masks, pretending that he's okay.

Only one person exists that knows everything. That man isn't here. Jon wondered whether it would have all been different had Spencer been the one to be here, and not him. Or even Brendon. 

Is Ryan wearing a mask now, one that makes him feel as if he needs to keep his emotions in for his sake? Does Ryan think if he were to let his emotions out that he would leave? Jon ran his fingers through Ryan's hair, weaving through the soft brown curls. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Ryan's head. 

Ryan stirred and rubbed his cheek on Jon's chest. 

Jon wondered what would it be like when Ryan wakes. Would he act like nothing has happened? Would he be detached? Depressed? Angry? 

Jon wished he'd know what to do to help Ryan.

=============================

 **tobejonwalker** [_11:11_](https://twitter.com/#!/iamjonwalker/status/11828140878)

 **@tobejonwalker** why waste a wish? your band will never be as good as panic.

=============================

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

_It was nothing. Nothing to worry over. You're still here._

Ryan looked into the mirror. "You hear that?" Ryan nodded at his reflection. He grabbed a face towel and threw it over his shoulders and went out to join Jon for breakfast.

"Hey."

"Hey." Ryan smiled at his boyfriend.

"What you wanna do today?" Jon asked as he poured Ryan a cup of coffee. 

"Wanna go out for lunch?"

Jon nodded. "Yeah, sounds good." It was the first time Ryan suggested they do something outside the house since what Ryan called 'the incident'. Jon internally sighed with relief. He had been waiting patiently, wondering whether Ryan would like to talk or do something about it. Though, Ryan had made it clear that first night that he didn't want to risk going to the cops, thinking it'll just make matters worst. 

In any case, it seemed Ryan had moved on from the zombie look he had been sporting the last three days and is now starting to look and act more like himself. 

Jon watched as Ryan moved around the kitchen, opening and closing the refrigerator, the cabinets and the pantry. He always did this before breakfast, trying to figure out what he's in the mood for. Jon smiled at the routine, the falling back to how things used to be. 

Ryan reached up for something on the top shelf of the pantry. 

Jon smiled as he watched Ryan's shirt ride up. He never got tired of Ryan watching. Never was he not beautiful. The shirt rode up another inch as Ryan stood on his tiptoes, revealing a sliver of skin, enough skin for Jon to note a finger shaped bruise just above Ryan's hip. Jon's smile faded as he closed his eyes, seeing images of four other finger marks he knew also lingered just above Ryan's hip bone. Marks that came from someone who he didn't know, someone who was still out there.

When Ryan finally got what he was looking for, he would of made a shout of victory but the sight of Jon standing in the middle of the kitchen stopped him. Jon's eyes were closed, his brow was furrowed, one hand was clenched at his side and the other was white knuckled around a mug of coffee. "You okay?" Ryan asked softly as he walked toward Jon, pop-tart box in hand.

"What?" Jon shook his head as he opened his eyes. He bit his lip and tried to smile casually at his boyfriend, as if he didn't see marks that weren't supposed to be there. He handed Ryan the cup of coffee and held his hand in place just a second longer than necessary so his fingers brushed against Ryan's palm. Their eyes met briefly before Ryan turned to sit at the table.

Jon followed suit. 

"I'm sorry." Ryan mumbled.

"What for?"

"I haven't been the best boyfriend in the world."

"When have you ever been the best boyfriend in the world?" Jon joked, but offered Ryan a reassuring smile.

"Thanks, you always know just what to say," Ryan said, softly, and returned the smile as he took a sip of coffee. Ryan tried to think of why he apologized in the first place. The words came out before he realized what he was saying. Ryan glanced at Jon's right hand. His knuckles were red, and the skin still torn and angry looking after Jon decided to punch a hole in the wall the other day. Jon covered the hole with a picture of them when they had gone to Africa. But he couldn't cover up the memory of what happened just moments before the wall bashing. Ryan shook his head and took another sip of coffee.

Jon cleared his throat. 

And Ryan wondered whether they were thinking of the same thing. 

"Hey," Jon said as he brought a finger under Ryan's chin, and tilted his face up. "I love you, Ry."

"I... I love you too." 

Jon smiled.And he was about to lean in for a kiss when Ryan's cell went off.

"What the hell? Who calls this early?" Ryan mumbled as he stood to search for his phone. "It's Spence--did you tell him?" Ryan asked tonelessly, as if he didn't care for the answer.

"What? No," Jon replied, honestly. Jon wondered, though, if Spencer found out. They weren't sure whether anyone else had seen Ryan in the alley that day. They weren't entirely sure if anything was leaked or was going to be leaked.

Jon watched Ryan answer the phone, his face unreadable. It sounded like they were going through the usual catch up conversation without really catching up.

When Ryan ended the call he looked at Jon. "They're here." Ryan shrugged his shoulders and finished his pop tart.

"Are you gonna tell 'em?" Jon asked, hoping Ryan would. Or, it would be one more thing that would set Spencer and Brendon apart from them. But it was up to Ryan. It was his business to tell or not tell.

"I don't need them to make a big deal out of it," Ryan said as he started his second pop-tart.

And that was that. Ryan made his decision.

"When's the arrival?"

"About an hour or two," Ryan said as he stood up and stretched. "Gonna go back to bed, wanna join?"

Jon nodded and smiled when their eyes met.

=================================================

 **iamstillryanross** [_I haven't been up this early since the last time I was up this early_](https://twitter.com/#!/thisisryanross/status/15859281723)

 **@iamstillryanross** then don't get up, it's not like you were doing anything great

=================================================

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

Jon and Ryan didn't actually go back to sleep. They didn't do much of anything, really.

"Hey, remember that one time when we sang the bracelet song and you got hit with that bracelet--"

"Got a black eye 'cause of love." Ryan laughed.

Jon smiled. "That tickles."

"What tickles?" Ryan turned his face up from his spot on Jon's chest.

"Your whole body like vibrated when you laughed."

Ryan smiled. "Well, your body hums when you talk." He nuzzled his head back onto Jon's chest and moved his body closer, if that were even possible. "You have this deep, smooth voice. It's very masculine, sexy, you know? First thing I noticed about you, your voice."

Jon laughed. "Yeah, and then you made fun of my accent."

"Is that what you call it, an accent? And I did not, I was asking if you had a stutter."

"I wasn't stuttering. Obviously, I was speechless after meeting you."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "The Jon Walker I know always has something to say about everything."

"I think you got me mixed up with you."

Ryan shifted and propped himself up on his elbow so that he could make eye contact. "Hey, you didn't know who I was when I... when I got into your shot, did you?"

Jon smiled and moved further up the bed so that he could lean against the headboard. He recalled the memory perfectly. 

He was testing his new lens and was trying to take a picture with all the buses lined up in the lot at night. The crew and random people were ruining his shots as they passed by. He knew the sun would be rising any minute, thereby ending the atmosphere he wanted to capture. He had put his camera down in frustration and looked up as he yelled out to everyone and to no one in particular: "Just give me one fucking moment, will you?" He then closed his eyes and imagined the picture he wanted. He then brought the camera up, looked through the viewfinder, adjusted the lens and moved to find his perfect shot. The lighting of the street lamps casted a perfect glow, all was clear from interference, it was just what he wanted. And then something unexpected happened. 

"I heard your voice first. You were cursing from behind one of the buses," Jon said softly. "I hesitated, forgetting what I was doing there as I looked through the camera, trying to find out where the voice was coming from. And then there you were, walking backwards into my shot. You were shouting at someone that I couldn't see. I remember that I couldn't help but laugh. Not at the situation, but I thought to myself that I'd never want to cross a guy like you. You were relentless."

Ryan rolled his eyes and sighed. "Glad you could find humor in that."

Jon grinned. "It wasn't so much as being humored, just--I don't know... I found myself in this surreal moment, I guess. Like I was watching some scene out of a movie. In any case, I never heard anyone who had a mouth like yours."

"Hey, he deserved it. He was drunk at the show we played. And then he ran off the stage before I could ask him about it. I ended up looking for him all night. I mean, he was my friend. I worried about what was happening to him, how he changed so quickly. I worried that he might be in some dumpster, or something. And then to find his drunk ass partying with all these trashed girls... You know, he fucking offered me a drink? I blew up," Ryan said in a rush. "He didn't even know how worried I was. He didn't have a clue what was going on in my head that night," Ryan added in a whisper. He sat up as he recalled the memory. "I was tired and I was just tired of him, really. He was so fucking irresponsible. I mean, come on."

"Hey, I know. It was bad," Jon said, putting a hand on Ryan's shoulder.

Ryan, who was tense, instantly relaxed at the contact.

"To answer your question, no, I didn't know who you were. I never even saw your face."

Ryan blinked at Jon as he momentarily forgotten what the question was. 

Jon cleared his throat. "You asked if I knew who you were."

"Oh, yeah? Probably thought I was some raged lunatic..."

"That didn't even cross my mind. I did think, however, that you were intense. And anyway, when you walked into my shot, still yelling and your back facing me, that's when I took my picture, _your_ picture. I didn't think about it. When I put my camera down, I made a move to stand, wanting to find out if I could help, but you were already gone."

Ryan smiled. "You did help. Eventually."

"Yeah, yeah, I guess I did." Jon smiled. "You know, right after I realized you were gone I ran back onto Academy's bus and uploaded that shot. William woke some time after and hovered over my shoulder to look. He told me that you, Ryan Ross, were and I quote, 'made to be in front of the camera, a perfect shot,' unquote. It _is_ a perfect shot, still my favorite picture that I've taken."

Ryan scrunched up his nose, not ever wanting to talk about how he looked. "I saw it. It is a nice picture. The lighting was nice. The fog added a nice touch. But Jon, all you could see was my back." Ryan said this as if he was revealing some huge secret and wanted to break the news carefully to Jon.

"Hey, I know that," Jon said. "Did you know that when Bill said your name, I knew of you? Everyone knew who you were. Even if they didn't know of your band yet. Pete made sure that we knew of your name. I don't think he did it purposefully, just that he was always excited to bring you up every chance he got. It was always, 'there's this kid, Ryan Ross, and his band is gonna blow fucking up,' or 'You should hear the things Ryan can come up with, that kid's gonna go all the way,'" Jon said in amusement. "At just the mention of you, I was already intrigued to find out what kind of person could get someone so worked up. But then I remembered that this was Pete and everybody on his radar involves exclamations of some sort. So, I forgot you. But when Bill said your name again, that feeling of wanting to find out more about you came back."

"So, you knew who I was the first time we talked?"

"The first time we met..." Jon recalled when Ryan had come onto the bus. He didn't notice at first until Bill asked Ryan if he needed someone to fill in. That was when he had looked up from his computer and saw Ryan's face for the first time. "I knew of your name. I knew you played guitar for your band. I knew that Pete loved you and probably thought that he raised you himself. I knew that you had a way with words. I knew that you were someone I didn't want to anger. I knew the shape of your hips, your back, the way your hair shined under the glow of the street lamp. I knew after looking at the picture for hours--from the time I uploaded it to the time you walked onto the bus--that you were someone I _wanted_ to get to know."

Ryan sat there, entranced by Jon's even voice. After what felt like seconds but could have been minutes, he moved, wanting to feel Jon around him, wanting to get closer, wanting to kiss those lips that said those words, wanting Jon to know how touched he was at what he just said, but the moment was broken at the sound of the doorbell.

"Looks like they're here," Jon announced, unnecessarily. Jon made a move to get off the bed but before he did so, he pressed a kiss to Ryan's forehead. 

================================

 **iamstillryanross** [_x_](https://twitter.com/#!/thisisryanross/status/11513388739)

 **@iamstillryanross** x what? what kind of drugs are you on? go back to panic and get away from those hipsters you call friends.

================================

Ryan checked his phone right after he threw on a sweater. "Guess love is a drug after all." Ryan smiled as he walked into the living room to join the reunion.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: fluffy, here fluffy, fluffy... :)


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

When Ryan walked into the room he watched Jon hug Spencer and clap Brendon on the back as they walked through the door.

"Hey, Jon, wanna bring in the other--Fuck! Ry, what happened to your face?"

Ryan's eyes widened, he forgot about the lingering cuts and bruises.

Brendon had dropped his bag where he was standing and within the next second, he was inches away from Ryan, touching, lightly, his cheek.

And Ryan flinched, taking a step back. A second too late, he realized what happened. He opened his eyes to see Brendon's hand drop. To make his reaction worse, Ryan's eyes had flown of its own accord to meet Jon's.

Brendon caught the exchange and also took a step back, confusion and hurt clearly written on his face.

Ryan wanted to explain that it was a mistake, that he got the wrong idea. That he didn't mean to back away. He was just surprised. That was all. But he just couldn't get the words out.

Spencer cleared his throat. "And looks like your hand is all messed up." Spencer nodded to Jon. "Are you guys like in some kind of fight club?"

Jon rolled his eyes. Even if they were in Fight Club, they wouldn't be able to talk about it.

"Just got robbed," Ryan said, talking for the first time since they arrived. "But don't worry, I made it out alive. Jon saved me." Ryan smiled at Spencer and then tried to make eye contact with Jon, but he was busy staring into space, like he was looking through him.

"No fuck you are alive. What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you joke about something like this? What if--" Spencer cut his words and growled in frustration, and erased the thought that Ryan could have died. "Man, if there is a next time, and fuck I hope there isn't a next time, just throw them the damn money or whatever the fuck they want and run. If you don't, I'll fucking kill you myself."

"Okay, okay. I know. It was stupid," Ryan said as he took a step toward Spencer.

And Spencer quickly closed the rest of the gap between them and pulled Ryan into a hug. "You're such a fucking idiot."

Ryan grinned into Spencer's collar. "And you're such a fucking sap." They stood there in each others arms, breathing each other in. Ryan's smile faded when he tried to recall the last time they had hugged. He thought and thought and thought. He couldn't remember. He breathed Spencer in and then realized that no, he did remember. They last hugged after the lunch they had when they were talking about splitting up. They had seen each other after that, however, things had changed. Ryan gripped the material of Spencer's shirt, bunching it up as he tightened his hold. Actually going through with the split was hard, but not being able to be with Spencer, his best friend for nineteen years, on a daily basis was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. They had been together longer than they were apart.

Ryan knew he messed up by not telling Spencer the whole story, but he decided that would have to wait when they were alone. Ryan slowly loosened his grip and tried to take a step back to give Spencer back his personal space, but realized that something was preventing him.

At some point, Brendon had come up behind him and hugged him, holding him in place.

Ryan lifted his head, blinked back tears, and saw that Jon was pressed against Spencer's back.

Jon raised his head when he felt that Ryan was looking at him. Their eyes met and held.

Ryan thought he saw sadness in Jon's eyes, but it was gone so fast that he wondered if it was there at all.

Jon smiled at Ryan over Spencer's shoulder, they were so close that he could have brushed his lips against Ryan's, but that would have to wait for a more appropriate time.

Ryan's lip quirked and Jon wondered if he read his thoughts. Ryan answered his silent question when he placed a chaste kiss upon his lips.

=============================================

 **tobejonwalker** [_fixing a hole_](https://twitter.com/#!/iamjonwalker/status/28442180564)

 **@tobejonwalker** you are such a beatle wannabe

=============================================

After they ate lunch, Jon checked his messages and chuckled to himself. He looked up when Ryan came over.

"What's up?"

Jon smiled and shook his head. He handed Ryan the phone. 

"You should know by now, _everything_ is a beatles reference," Ryan said, as he handed him a beer before he walked off.

Jon chuckled again, wondering if Ryan was being sarcastic or not. Whatever the case, he didn't think about it for too long as he stood and followed Ryan into the bedroom.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7

"So, what do you think happened?" Brendon tried to sound casual, but failed.

Spencer turned to look at Brendon, who was standing in the direction of the sunlight. He raised a hand to try and shield away the sun and squinted to make out Brendon's profile. "Ryan wouldn't lie. He got robbed." Spencer noticed that Brendon's frame straightened and he had turned to face him from his spot near the pool. Brendon was expecting more from him. "Look, if it will make you feel any better, I _also_ think that Ryan didn't tell us the whole story."

Brendon nodded slowly.

Spencer didn't know what else to say to comfort his friend. He leaned back into the hammock. He knew Brendon expected him to say that he'll ask Ryan about it and that everything would be okay. But what Brendon didn't understand, even now, was that that wasn't how things worked between him and Ryan. 

Putting Ryan on the spot will get you a first class seat in a top notch vehicle that's heading directly into a wall.

Spencer knew that Ryan would eventually talk. It just had to be on his own time, when he was ready. If you wanted Ryan to open up, you just had to be there for him. He thought about telling Brendon this but he already had, multiple times. And it's not like he ever listens. 

If Ryan had an opposite, Brendon would be it. Brendon doesn't hold his emotions back. Spencer wondered why Brendon hasn't already bombarded Ryan with questions of what exactly happened--not that Ryan would answer him, not completely anyway.

Spencer almost laughed at the image that thought conjured. It had happened several times before. Brendon would follow Ryan around with endless questions while Ryan would give short, clipped answers or a sarcastic remark in return. Brendon would insist and persist again until Ryan would blow up and shut him out. And Brendon would be left wondering what went wrong.

Eventually, they would make up. Naturally. However, Spencer never knew just how much Ryan would tell Brendon after the make up. Would he answer the questions that Brendon sought? In any case, that was just how it worked between them.

Spencer glanced at Brendon, who was staring into the pool as if it contained all the answers to the questions burning in his mind. The strain of holding back his tongue earlier was obvious. His body language screamed it. 

"Did you see how Ryan looked at Jon when I asked him about his face?" Brendon asked quietly.

Spencer nodded. He knew now why Brendon had held back. It must be tearing him apart, Spencer thought. And then a second realization came to mind. "Wait, are you thinking that Jon--"

"No!" Brendon's voice cracked. And he was instantly at Spencer's side, hoovering over him. "I mean, that would be crazy!" Brendon said in a harsh whisper. "I mean, you don't think that, do you?"

"Of course not." Spencer got out of the hammock. He wondered how they had gotten to this point. How they even begun to ask each other if their bestfriend could be capable of harming another. This was them, that thought shouldn't have even entered their minds. Spencer didn't think that Jon would do such a thing, however, he did question if Brendon thought it. So, would that mean that he subconsciously thought it too?

"Fuck, what happened to us?" Brendon asked as he plopped himself into a chair.

"Well, that's a loaded question," Ryan said as he stepped out to join them in his backyard. He put down the towels he was holding onto a nearby table.

Jon came out a second later holding sunscreen. "Heard we're gonna have a nice hot day in Cali today." Jon smiled. 

Ryan sat in one of the pool chairs and directed a look towards Spencer. "What's going on?"

Spencer shrugged. "Nothing."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "So, Spence, looks like you're already swimming in Jon's shorts. Maybe mine would be a better fit?"

Spencer laughed easily at the thought, thankful for the change in topic. "Sorry, my friend, but I wouldn't ever want to even try to fit into your shorts."

"I could fit into Ryan's shorts!" Brendon volunteered a little too enthusiastically. 

Spencer would have been surprised by Brendon's quick change in demeanor but this is Brendon. Spencer turned his attention back to Ryan, who was laughing.

"That's nothing new," Jon said playfully as he passed Spencer the sunscreen.

Spencer squirted the product into his hand, "You already got some?"

Jon dipped a finger into Spencer's hand and then dabbed some sunscreen onto his nose. "I think I'm gonna pass on the swimming today."

"Me too," Ryan echoed.

Spencer squinted into the sunlight. "What gives? It's a hot winter day, how could you pass that up?"

Ryan had shrugged. His attention on Brendon, who had skipped the sunscreen and went directly into the pool, canon ball style.

A beeping noise sounded off somewhere inside the house. "Taquitos are done," Jon announced excitedly as he headed for the sliding doors.

Déjà vu, Spencer thought.

Things haven't changed that much. 

Or so he thought?

==================================================

 **@SpencerSmith** how come you don't tweet more???!!!!

==================================================

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so, I think, I think this is the FIRST time ever I wrote "Spencer." I think he is the most complex person out of all them which is why I always shy away from writing in his perspective. It could be because he's so quiet. But I think when he is comfortable with the people around him he is quite outspoken and talkative. I don't know. It is such a treat when we see those rare times when he just lets go in front of the camera and we see his personality more. He is very awesome indeed. Wow, I wrote a lot there. Anyway, for the next part I have Brendon in mind, or I might put it off. I think the last time I centered on him was when I was writing a Ryden fic XD


	8. Chapter 8

Part 8  


Brendon couldn't sleep. He tried everything that had worked before; counting sheep, drinking alcohol, jerking off. Nothing helped. He was tired, but his mind certainly was not. No matter how much he tried to control his thoughts they would some how lead him back to focus on Ryan. And that was nothing new. Only there was more to Ryan to think about. His bruised face. How he flinched from his touch. The look he gave Jon. How he was covered up when they were out in the backyard. How he was unusually quiet. How he wasn't like himself.

Brendon looked at the clock. 1:42 AM. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will his brain to think of something else. He could do this, he thought. He turned to his side and opened his eyes. The door. It was an ordinary door as far as doors went. But it was Ryan's door. And wouldn't it be Jon's door now too? Brendon sighed as he realized that he was clenching his jaw to the point of pain.

That was something too, wasn't it? How Jon wasn't quite acting like himself either. How he was pretty much covered up as well. And how he practically spent all his time staring at Ryan, but trying to make it look like he wasn't.

Brendon only found out about their more than friends relationship when they went to Africa. Apparently, they had been keeping it a secret for who knows how long. They didn't even have an exact answer. Brendon recalled when he had asked them, quietly, just how long they were together.

Ryan's eyes had widened in surprise. Brendon thought that with that reaction he wouldn't get an answer so he looked at Jon, who had been looking at Ryan. 

"Actually, nevermind. Forget I asked. I just--"

And as if on cue both Ryan and Jon spoke up at the same time, only they had different answers.

"Since he agreed to fill in for Brent," Ryan had said.

"Since we scrapped the 'second' album." Jon said.

Brendon had cleared his throat. "Well--"

"It's complicated." Ryan had offered by way of explanation.

Brendon sighed at the memory. He thought they had been honest with their answers. It was like Ryan said, it was complicated.

Brendon had wondered what each answer meant, but he realized that he would never actually _know_ what it meant if he didn't ask them directly. And there was no way in hell that he would ask. So, that was that. He had stored the memory in the back of his mind. It was easy to pretend it didn't exist since he was able to replace his thoughts on making the new record with Spencer. And he almost, ALMOST, was able to pretend that Jon and Ryan's relationship didn't exist, just that they too were off busy with their new band. And everything else between the four of them remained the same. Only not.

Brendon found himself sitting up in bed and that his mouth had gone dry. He decided he needed a drink, and perhaps a cold glass of water and maybe a snack would help him get some sleep. He padded his way into the hall and made his way to the kitchen.

"Couldn't sleep either?"

Brendon had jumped at the sound. "Fuck, you scared the fuck out of me! And why are you sitting in the dark?" Brendon tried to whisper as loudly and as harshly as he could without alerting everyone in the house.

"Whoa, hey, sorry, didn't mean to." Jon held his hands up.

Brendon willed his breath to return to a normal breathing pattern. "Sorry. Right, I know."

"Come, join me and my sleep deprived state." Jon pulled out a chair and pushed a plate of cookies towards him. "Want some milk or something?"

Brendon shook his head, forgetting his earlier sense of thirst. Brendon sat in the chair and picked up a cookie. "Homemade?"

Jon smiled. "The best kind. We made them... We made them a couple days ago."

Brendon nodded as he took a bite of the warmed cookie. Jon must have popped them in the microwave. "Damn, these are good. I'm surprised that you made them days ago there's still some left. Must have made a lot."

"Never got around to eating them, I guess. We only made a batch. You actually had the honor of tasting the first cookie." Jon shrugged and looked somewhere past his shoulder.

"Hey, are you okay?" Brendon felt his stomach turn at Jon's look. How could he have missed the sadness in Jon's eyes?

Jon nodded as he took a sip of his milk. "So, how's the record coming?"

"It's coming."

"Ah, looks like a party. Mind if I join?" Ryan asked casually as he entered the kitchen. He headed straight for the refrigerator. But after a moment of looking blankly inside, he closed it again without taking anything out.

"The cookies made for a perfect snack," Brendon offered.

"What cookies?" Ryan asked after a yawn. When he turned to face them, his eyes settled on the plate of cookies. "Oh, uh, no. Rather not, not in a cookie mood."

Jon stood up then, and held his glass of milk towards Ryan, who took it without a word and gulped the rest of its contents down. Jon then took the empty glass from Ryan and proceeded to place it in the sink.

Brendon did not miss how their fingers brushed and lingered during the exchange of the glass.

Ryan sat in the seat Jon had vacated. "So, what did I miss?"

"Nothing much. I was asking about the new record," Jon said as he walked back to join them at the table.

He pulled out the chair opposite him and beside Ryan.

"Oh, yeah? Well, I thought the single sounded... different," Ryan said.

Brendon smiled at Ryan's smile. "Different? Well, I'm taking that as a compliment."

Ryan's smile grew. "You should."

Jon laughed. "Because anything different in Ryan's opinion is a good thing."

Brendon laughed. "Exactly."

Ryan's eyes fell on the empty chair between Brendon and Jon. "We should totally wake up Spencer."

"No need," Spencer cleared his throat as he walked in. "It's 2:30 in the morning, I mean, who could sleep at this hour anyway?" Spencer asked sarcastically and shared a look with Ryan before he sat in the empty chair. He grabbed a cookie off the plate and took a healthy bite out of it before he spoke again. "Let's play scrabble."

"Yes, let's do that," Jon said as he made a move to get the game.

Ryan sat up at the suggestion and rubbed his hands together. "I was itching for a good game."

Brendon groaned. "Why scrabble? I know, how about a nice game of candyland instead?"

========================================

 **@whoisbrendonurie** when's the record coming out? i can;t waitttt  <33333333333

========================================

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This "Brendon" chapter was actually the hardest to write. Normally, in the past, Brendon was the easiest to write. But since the split, I noticed a change in him. He's a bit more restrained now, a bit more mature, and he seems to be more self-conscious now. Am I the only one who sees this? Well, anyway, I wanted to convey that in this chapter


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9

Ryan woke up with a start. As soon as he realized he was awake, he felt heavy, like something was on him, keeping him down. He struggled with his body to try and get up but pain shot up through his arms and lower back. In his panic, he opened his mouth to scream but it came out muffled, almost silent in his ears. _What the fuck is going on?_.

"Hey, hey, Ryan, wake up."

Ryan heard this, but he didn't know where it was coming from and why the voice sounded so distant. "Spence!"

"Shhh, it was just a nightmare. Breathe, dude, breathe."

It took several breaths for Ryan to make the heavy feeling go away. He was sweating and his heart still pounded and his chest still ached. But he was okay. He looked up at his bestfriend, who was kneeling over him. "Where?"

"We all fell asleep in the living room."

Ryan nodded just as everything came into view. The coffee table. The scrabble game. The sofa. The fireplace. "Where is everyone?"

"Jon's taking a shower," Spencer said as he helped him up. "Bren and I got up about half an hour ago. By now he's probably eating the breakfast Jon made." 

"Oh, well, let's eat then. I'm starved," Ryan said as he stretched, already forgetting his nightmare. Ryan took a step forward, towards the kitchen, but was stopped.

Spencer had gripped his arm but not tightly. His hand, just a soft pressure, held him back. Ryan stilled and met Spencer's gaze. 

"There's this sandwich place that we passed... has a blue roof, not too far from here. Sandwiches decent?"

Ryan turned his head away, looking back at the kitchen. He knew what Spencer was really saying: _You can't fool me, we're going to talk. And. I'm here._ Ryan turned to look back at Spencer. "Yeah, not the best, but I'd say better than decent."

Spencer nodded.

Ryan relaxed into Spencer's touch, which deepened slightly. "I can't remember the last time you treated me to lunch. I'll have to keep my breakfast light."

Spencer laughed as they walked towards the kitchen. "Dude, the last time I treated you, you nearly cleaned the place out. And who said I'm treating you?"

"Spencer, you asked. I accepted. It's a date. So, obviously, you're paying. And you're in Panic! at the Disco, your wallet can afford me." 

"You're mine, nobody could afford you," Jon said as he made his way from the hall, meeting them at the opening at the kitchen.

Ryan punched Jon playfully on the arm as he passed by.

Jon laughed. "Okay, firstly, oww. And secondly, Spencer, you're a good guy. I'll loan him out to you, how's that?"

Spencer held his hands up. "Hey, I don't even want him."

"Hey--" Ryan said, laughing.

"I'll take that loan," Brendon said around his mouthful of pancakes.

Jon took a second before responding, looking as if he was making a difficult decision. "Okay, but knowing you, you might bring him back damaged--what's my collateral?"

That earned him another punch from Ryan, who laughed.

"Fine, fine... dude, you can borrow him interest free. I forgot that this one bites. You'll be doing me a favor by taking him off my hands." Jon laughed as he evaded another blow from Ryan and caught his wrist.

Ryan tried to pull his hand free, but Jon held strong. He smiled as Jon caught his eye and pulled him close.

"Hey, hey, no kissing! I'm about to consume food here," Spencer said as he covered his eyes.

Jon laughed and placed a quick kiss on Ryan's nose before he released him.

====================================================

 **imstillryanross** [_Im so starving_](https://twitter.com/#!/thisisryanross/status/11577513906012161)

 **@imstillryanross** then eat something, u walking stick! or get back with @SpencerSmith and @whoisbrendonurie

====================================================

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

Ryan cleared his throat and glanced at Spencer, who was sitting across from him. Ryan considered his friend, he knew why they were here. This was Spencer's way of reminding him that he was there for him, literally. He knew that Spencer didn't expect anything out of him. He knew that if he didn't say anything at all, Spencer wouldn't take any offense to it. He also knew that if he poured his heart out, Spencer would be right by his side. Spencer would never leave him. He believed in Spencer more than anyone, even more than himself.

They were eating at a sandwich place and sitting in one of the six tables. Two of the tables were already occupied when they arrived. They sat at the farthest table from the entrance/exit.

Spencer wiped his mouth with a napkin after he finished his sandwich.

"Your beard is starting to suit you." Ryan smiled at Spencer's raised eyebrow.

"Starting? You're just jealous 'cause you can't grow one."

"Can too!" Ryan said, indignantly. He then shrugged as he took a bite out of his second sandwich. "Just don't want one."

"You never looked good with your 5 o'clock shadow, anyway."

"Neither do you. You can only pull it off if it's a full on beard."

Spencer rolled his eyes. "We can't all be like Jon."

Ryan smiled. "Now there's a man who can pull off any o'clocks."

"That fucker." Spencer laughed. 

Ryan took another bite of his sandwich and Spencer picked up his second. They sat in companionable silence as they finished.

"Wanna third?" Spencer asked as he sat back in his seat.

Ryan shook his head and then met Spencer's gaze. "I hit him."

Spencer leaned over the table. "Who? Jon?"

Ryan nodded before he dropped his gaze. "Come on, let's get out of here. I think one of the girls who entered recognized one of us."

Spencer turned so that the other side of the restaurant was in his peripheral and saw the two girls. They were probably in their early teens. They were giggling and looking towards them. Not feeling like socializing with strangers at the moment, he stood up. Ryan followed suit.

Once outside, Ryan took in a breath of fresh air. 

Spencer stood by his side as he looked across the street where they parked the car. The sun seemed much too bright. "Come on, let's get out of here." He crossed the street and heard Ryan trailing just behind him.

Once safely inside the car, Spencer cleared his throat. "Did he... he didn't hurt you, did he?" Spencer asked softly, but it still sounded much too loud in his own head.

Ryan shook his head. "God no."

The answer seemed to appease Spencer, for the moment, as he tore his gaze away from Ryan's and pulled out onto the road. They didn't discuss where they were heading. But Ryan didn't care. He was thankful for the silence. He looked out the window, mindlessly watching but not actually seeing the cars, buildings and people they passed. A quiet filled seventeen minutes took them to an open area of dirt, weeds and the odd rock.

"Looks like Death Valley," Ryan said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, it kinda does."

Spencer parked and they both wordlessly got out of the car. 

Ryan sat on the hood and waited for Spencer to sit next to him. "I... I didn't mean it, you know. I didn't think it was him at the time I hit him."

Spencer didn't need to hear an explanation. He knew that whatever happened, Ryan wouldn't hit Jon or anybody else for that matter without reason. He waited to listen to whatever Ryan had to say, if he was going to say anything more.

Ryan sighed and crossed his arms across his chest. "I'm so messed up, Spence."

"You were dreaming." 

Ryan looked at Spencer, noting that the statement wasn't a question. He nodded to confirm it. Spencer knew him well.

"When did the dreams start again?"

"Since I got robbed." Ryan gestured to his face where a cut was still healing and where a bruise lingered. Before Spencer could ask, Ryan hurried to continue. "I wasn't robbed. I was... I was... you know... attacked. I was... " Ryan made an obscure hand movement over his body before he let his hand drop, unable to voice the word. He thought of what Jon had said when they were in the bathroom. He winced at the memory. "My wallet was left intact, but my... my... umm pants -- Spencer, I couldn't stop them."

Spencer looked at his friend, who was set on staring at the ground. Spencer stood up when it hit him. He was raped. Ryan was raped. "Fuck, fuck! Did you call the cops?"

Ryan shook his head, met Spencer's angry gaze and pleaded with his own eyes for him to calm down. He knew that Spencer wasn't angry at him. But he needed Spencer to be his rock.

Spencer made a sound that almost sounded like a growl. "Are you..." He paced the front of the car. A minute passed before he sat next to Ryan again. Another minute passed by in silence. "Let me take you to the hospital," Spencer said quietly, knowing Ryan wouldn't have gone to the doctor yet.

Ryan breathed in again at the sound of Spencer's voice. It was something Spencer had asked before, a lifetime ago, a part of the past that he buried along with his father. He met Spencer's unwavering gaze. His own eyes stung and his vision blurred before Spencer pulled him into a hug.

"I'm here, Ry. Everything is gonna be okay."

=======================================================

 **imstillryanross** [My plans for the day: I'm gonna feed you, rip off those jeans, and take you to the hospital](https://twitter.com/#!/thisisryanross/status/29418588936)

 **@imstillryanross** can i ripppp off ur jeans???????????

 

======================================================

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) finally, ryan told someone (other than jon)! now we're moving. lol (2) sorry it took so long to post. (3) why was the "big" reveal so small? well, this ryan doesn't like to talk about himself. it's his least favorite subject. no, really. really. and spencer, well, he's just such an awesome friend that he's there for his bff no matter what. he does not need to know everything to know everything about ryan. (4) now, what lies ahead for our lovely, tragical boy? sad times? happy times? sexy times? (5) regarding the tweet, i took the "feed you" and "take you" as his own body. lol js XD


	11. Chapter 11

Part 11  


"Okay, so out with it." The words were out of Brendon's mouth as soon as the front door closed behind Ryan and Spencer when they left for lunch.

Jon sighed. Of course, he knew exactly what Brendon was referring to but even if he wanted to tell him, it wasn't his place. "I can't tell you what you are asking. However, I have something I want to say if you'll let me."

Brendon's eyes widened for a moment, clearly surprised by his words. 

Jon felt a pang as he realized just how much they had grown apart. He caught Brendon's nod for him to continue.

"Listen, Brendon, I know things have... changed." Jon wanted to take that word back, but it was too late. "Especially between us." Jon kept his eyes on Brendon and it hurt to see that the younger man didn't protest at his words. Yeah, he thought, things have definitely changed. "It wasn't smart of us, Ryan and me, I mean." Brendon turned away at this but Jon could tell that he wanted to hear what he had to say.

Jon sat in the seat next to Brendon and waited for him to meet his eyes before he continued. "It was never our intention to keep it a secret. You asked us, once, when our relationship started and our answers were different. 'It's complicated,' Ryan had said."

"You don't have to tell me, Jon. It's okay, I understand. I mean, all that counts is that we're friends. I'd rather be friends than not friends."

Jon smiled at Brendon's words. "Yeah, we're friends. I hope that will never change." And there is that word again.

"It wont," Brendon reassured.

"But I think you and I both know that you want to know what I want to say." Jon chuckled. "Could I sound anymore stupid?"

Brendon laughed. "I think I'm stupid enough to get you." Brendon sat back in his chair. "I just--I do want to hear it, to be honest. But you don't owe me an explanation."

"Or smart enough." Jon smiled. "You're right. Ryan and I don't need to explain anything. But I'm telling you anyway because we're friends, right?"

"Fuck, fine already. Tell me before we talk in another circle." Brendon laughed.

"Okay, first of all, for the record, you totally just ruined the beautiful, very serious, bro moment we were sharing." Jon grinned. And rolled his eyes when Brendon stuck his tongue out at him. "I can't talk for Ryan when he said that we were together since I joined the band, since, no one can say what goes through that man's head."

"No kidding," Brendon muttered.

Jon smiled. "I can explain, however, my answer."

Brendon nodded.

Jon briefly wondered why he needed to tell Brendon, but at Brendon's look, he knew this was something that needed to be said. They needed to get past the elephant in the room in order to get back to _being_ the elephants in the room that talked about Aladdin and what type of chips goes with what type of beer. "We were all up that night when Ryan declared that he was done working with the album."

"'Screw the fucking shit album,' he said." Brendon laughed.

"Yeah." Jon smiled. "None of us got any sleep that night because we were all so relieved. I remember looking at Ryan and thinking how insane he was for saying what he did because he had worked so hard."

"Probably more than any of us."

"I don't know how you guys got through the first album."

Brendon shrugged. "The process was madness."

"Well, that night, I remember, Ryan was just so worked up over those songs, and really, it was like any other night of him crumpling a page of his notebook and tossing it in a bin, but something was in his eyes that night. Finality. I couldn't even breathe for that second it took for him to stand up and declare the album a crash and burn. And in that moment, for me, it wasn't about the album. That moment I realized that I was fucking head over heels in love with this incredible, fucking insane, idiot that is Ryan Ross."

Brendon narrowed his eyes. "Not that I don't believe you or anything, but I happen to know that you guys had fucked way before that night."

"Ryan tell you that?" Jon met Brendon's eyes.

"No, but after you guys told me and during all that extra time I had after the split, I had time to think about it. It was a guess, but you confirmed it just now. Your eyes totally gave you away."

Jon smiled at Brendon. "We did fuck," Jon confessed, and wondered for a moment why it was easier to talk about fucking than loving. And then realized just how stupid that thought was.

"You weren't head over heels your first time with Ryan, 'cause I'd be," Brendon said. "Actually, I _am_ and we _didn't_ fuck," Brendon amended.

"I was in love with him before that. Love is a funny thing, difficult to explain and more difficult to pinpoint when it happens." Jon sighed, trying to find his words.

"So, I take it that when you said you were together since the album was scrapped, you took it as when you _realized_ you were in love with him?"

"I loved him before that. Way before that. I wanted him since we first met. I fell in love with Ryan when I found out that [he stole my camera when I was sleeping and took a picture of a beat up car in the middle of nowhere](http://pinterest.com/pin/57843176434210142/)."

"He actually wanted to capture the sunset for you." Brendon smiled as he recalled the picture and how it had been taken. 

"The picture of him actually holding my camera is a far better capture." Jon laughed. 

"Evidence." They said in unison, and broke into laughter again.

Jon cleared his throat when the room fell silent again. "I love him so much, Bren. But it was that night, when I saw that look of certitude in his eyes, I realized with perfect clarity that I made up my mind that there could be no one else for me. Ryan is it. Irrevocably."

"That's... wow. Wow, Jon... That's..." Brendon said, carefully, quietly. 

Jon found he couldn't respond right away. He collected his breath. "I didn't think I'd say that much, but I wanted to let you know that I love him. I want you to know because I know that you love him too. If maybe... I don't know. Maybe it'll be easier for you to know that this isn't a game for me?"

Brendon tried to break eye contact but Jon placed a hand to his shoulder. "I can only imagine what must have and what is going through your mind whenever you think of us, or when we walk in the room. Shit, I don't know... if I were you, I'd be hating on me."

"I could never hate you, Jon."

Jon smiled. "Really?"

Brendon sighed. "Okay, maybe I did. A little bit. Maybe even a lot when I first found out. I mean, I did find out by seeing you guys rutting in the corner like there was no tomorrow in Africa."

"We weren't rutting and it was 5 'o clock in the morning, who's awake--" Jon bit his tongue at Brendon's look. "Fine. Yes, we're idiots. And we sure as hell didn't want for you guys to have found out about it the way you guys did. We planned on telling you guys... We just didn't know how. We didn't want to ruin things."

"Spencer wanted to kill you, you know. In fact, I think he's still waiting for the chance for it," Brendon mused.

"I could believe that. He gave me the talk and I don't plan on disappointing him." Jon smiled.

"Good." Brendon clapped Jon on the shoulder. "For the record, as you said, I love Ryan. I'm in love with him. And you telling me all this, it doesn't make that love any less--

Jon opened his mouth to interrupt, but Brendon didn't give him the opportunity.

"I know, Jon, that that wasn't your intention by telling me. I'm saying that I love Ryan. And that won't ever change. I'm also saying that I love you too, and if you and Ryan are happy together then that's the way it'll be. It's hard for me, but it'll be even harder if I ever lost you guys as friends. I... You were right, I did want to know. I think I needed to hear it, make it real. I could see now that it is. Thank you for telling me. And you better fucking believe that the second you mess up, I'll kill you if Spencer hasn't already done so."

Jon laughed and pulled Brendon into a hug. "You're beautiful."

"And you're ringing," Brendon said as pulled out of the hug and indicated Jon's pocket.

Jon smiled and pulled out his phone. "It's Spence."

"He's probably calling you to take Ryan off his hands." Brendon smirked.

Jon chuckled as he talked into the phone. "What's up?"

==========================================================

**tobejonwalker** [_limitless undying love_](https://twitter.com/#!/iamjonwalker/statuses/28917957129)

**@tobejonwalker** y u no love ur band?

==========================================================

 

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Part 12

Ryan left the doctor's office feeling drained. Weak. Confused. Anxious. Hurt. He quickened his long stride down the hall until he reached the door to the waiting room, where Spencer, Brendon and Jon waited for him.

As soon as he came into view, Jon was out of his chair and at his side.

Ryan smiled a nervous smile. "Can we just get out of here, like, now?"

Jon nodded. "You wanna ride back with Spence?"

"I kinda fancy a ride with you."

Jon smiled as he tugged Ryan closer to him, their shoulders colliding. Jon wrapped an arm around Ryan's waist and the younger man leaned into his side.

"Come on, Bren, let's get back to Ryan's, I'm starved." Spencer smiled at Brendon, who nodded.

Spencer clapped Ryan on the back before he headed to the exit.

Once in Jon's car, Ryan sighed. "Glad you came."

"Of course."

Ryan nodded as he put his seat-belt on. It was so easy with Jon. He smiled to himself, glad that he didn't ask any questions. "I hate coming here." Ryan shivered as he glanced at Jon.

"I'm glad you went," Jon said as he patted Ryan's leg before he moved the car into gear and pulled out onto the road.

"I only asked to get screened for, you know, everything. I didn't tell them that I was... you know..." Ryan bit his lip. He knew he was a coward for not telling the doctor what happened, he just couldn't do it. He couldn't let anyone else know. It was his problem. It didn't have to be any bigger than it should be. He could live with it. Ryan glanced at Jon, his eyes were drawn to white, torn up knuckles that grasped the steering wheel. "I'm sorry."

Jon sighed. "Shit, Ryan, you don't have to be sorry. I just--it's just--Fuck! I hate that you have to deal with any of this. At all. I hate them for doing this to you."

Ryan glanced out the window as Jon came to a stop at the light. "I hit you. I hurt you," Ryan said carefully.

"Yeah, you hit me, but you didn't hurt me." Jon met Ryan's eyes briefly before he turned his gaze back onto the road. "I can imagine, you thought I was someone else."

Ryan closed his eyes recalling the night he hurt Jon. 

_He had woken up with his heart in his throat. He couldn't breathe. His mind was still teetering between the dream he was having and reality. Then everything caught up to him. The bed. The sweat soaked sheets. The arms around him. He wasn't alone. It was much too dark. He closed his eyes, willing his whirling thoughts to cease so he could think. He was still riding the dream, even if he already couldn't recall exactly what happened. The feelings, though, that the dream invoked were still very much present inside of him, through him, causing him to feel foreign underneath his own skin._

_Then he felt it: heat against his back and an arm tightening over his stomach. He couldn't move. He was trapped. He had to get out. Blindly, in the dark, he struggled free. His fist met skin. Smack. His knee met something hard. The person made a sound but Ryan was too caught up with trying to get away to listen. He pushed out against something that gave way. An "omph" sounded into the distance as the other person fell to the floor. A light came on, Jon stood with his arms outstretched, his hands up, like he was surrendering._

_"Hey, hey, Ryan, it's me." The words slowly made sense._

_"Fuck, Jon, what?" Ryan shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He ran his hand through his hair. He tried to make sense of what happened. He couldn't. How could he forget Jon? Why did he feel so wrong? His chest tightened. He opened his eyes to see Jon slowly coming towards him. "Maybe, maybe I need to be alone right now. I hurt you, fuck!"_

_"I'm okay, Ry, are you?" Jon took a step forward._

_Ryan shrank back. "It's... Jon I don't think I can do this right now."_

_Jon dropped his hands to the side. "I--okay, I'll be in the guest room. I'm--It's okay, you know?"_

_Ryan didn't say anything. A minute passed in silence. Jon sighed and walked out the door. He closed it gently behind him._

_Ryan fell to the bed and closed his eyes. Instantly, flashes of images played in his mind. He saw the bruises that would appear on Jon's body in the morning. His mind swirled on the image of blood that ran down Jon's arm. How did that happen? He couldn't remember. He didn't realize he was crying until he looked up to the sound of something being smashed out into the hallway, his vision blurred when he tried to focus on his surroundings. "Jon?" Ryan got up and walked towards the door._

_"I'm okay." Jon had called out from the other side of the door. "I'm sorry."_

_Ryan opened the door to see Jon standing three feet away, looking at his hand, or where his hand would have been had it not been stuck inside the wall. "Fuck, Jon."_

_"I... I don't know what happened."_

_Ryan closed the distance between them as he helped Jon pull his hand out. "I think you hit the beam, can you move your fingers?"_

_Jon wiggled his fingers, but winced. "It's nothing." Blood dripped to the floor._

_Ryan led Jon to the bathroom to clean his wound. "You know, I thought in relationships it's best if only one person is insane."_

_"Where's the fun in that?" Jon smiled. Laughing now at what had happened._

_Ryan shook his head. "I'm sorry."_

_"Don't be. This..." Jon gestured towards his hand. "This had nothing to do with you. Nothing. This is just me being stupid._

_Ryan shook his head._

"Brendon and I had the talk," Jon said, pulling Ryan out of his thoughts.

Ryan blinked and glanced at Jon, who kept his eyes on the road. 

"He says he'll kill me if I mess things up with you." Jon smiled as he met Ryan's gaze.

Ryan snorted. "He said that?"

"Yeah, but as it is, Spencer is the first in line to get the job done. I'm not sure if I should be touched by their protectiveness over you or offended that they didn't offer me the same protection if you were to mess things up."

"I think you should be touched. It's a beautiful sentiment." Ryan smiled. "Also, if they did offer you the same protection, I probably should be running for my life right now."

"You didn't mess things up with me."

"I don't want to mess things up with you."

Jon met his eyes for a brief moment and smiled before his eyes turned back to the road. 

Ryan felt a tug in his chest. He realized, now, looking at Jon, that this moment that had passed between them signified something. He didn't know what it was yet, but he felt it. Apart from that, he felt older, more grown up. He liked that feeling. 

"So, you gonna tell Brendon about what happened? He's probably going to explode if he doesn't get a chance to speak with you."

"I'll tell him once we get inside." Ryan looked out the window as Jon pulled to a stop outside their house.

Jon nodded as he again met Ryan's gaze. "You know, no matter what the results of the tests, Ry, everything between us will still be the same."

Ryan closed his eyes, he didn't realize how much he needed to hear those words. It had been something that scared him shitless. The fear of losing Jon because of the unknown. For the past few days, the attack had taken over his mind. Although it was painful to think about, that's all he could do. He wanted to piece the night together and when he realized there was a definite missing piece due to loss time, he became obsessed with trying to recall it. He knew that during the attack he had blacked out at some point due to the pain, or perhaps he was simply forcing his mind and body to shut down as to not feel the attack. Either way, he didn't know what happened during those moments that he lost. Did the lost time equate seconds or minutes? The amount of time could mean anything and everything. As anything and everything could have happened in that time.

Ryan looked at Jon, took a breath. "Thanks." And it was all he could say. 

Jon nodded. He squeezed Ryan's hand before he moved to get out of the car.

"Hey, Jon."

"Yeah?" He turned back to face Ryan.

"I love you, you know? Love you so much." Ryan bit his lip. The words seemed much too small for the feelings he felt for Jon. Much too small and not enough.

Jon moved back into the car to press his lips against Ryan's. "I love you, too."

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Part 13

As the weeks wore on the scabs and bruises faded, erased like nothing ever happened. However, the memories could not be erased and forgotten. Jon wouldn't let himself forget.

He watched Ryan as he walked into the room. He was fresh out of the shower with nothing on, save for a white towel slung low on his hips. Ryan smiled at him, almost shyly, when he found his way to stand in front of him. Jon saw that the smile reached his eyes, it was beautiful, breath taking. He wondered how Ryan could be so... so Ryan Ross about everything he did. 

Jon gently pulled Ryan closer so that he was standing between his legs. 

Ryan stepped even closer but lost his footing as his legs came into contact with the bed Jon was sitting on. Jon caught him in his arms and fell backwards, pulling Ryan with him so that the younger man fell atop him.

Ryan laughed as he propped himself up. His hands at each side of Jon's head on the mattress. "I missed you, Jon Walker," Ryan whispered before placing a kiss on Jon's nose.

Jon smiled. "Dearest Ryan Ross, I never left."

"No, you didn't."

Jon wrapped his arms around Ryan, holding the slender man to his chest. They were aligned from knees to shoulders, as Jon's feet were still planted on the floor.

"Come here," Ryan said as he moved himself higher.

Jon got the hint and moved back, further onto the bed with Ryan. Their bodies bumped into each other as they settled to get into a more comfortable position. Jon stroked Ryan's back, loving the feel of his skin beneath his fingers. He quickly found the two dimples that rested just above Ryan's bottom and deepened the pressure of his wandering fingers.

"Mmmh," Ryan arched into his touch. "That feels good."

Jon smiled. It's been nearly three weeks since he was able to touch Ryan like this. He wanted to savor every single second, every single moan, every single touch, every single everything. He didn't want to forget being with Ryan. It nearly drove him mad when he wasn't able to touch, to feel Ryan when he wanted. There was even a frantic moment when he feared that he wouldn't be able to do this again. Of course, there relationship was more than sex, but it was something that Jon didn't think they'd ever stop doing, not until that terrible night that ruined everything. 

Jon gasped when Ryan bit his shoulder and then shivered when the man licked the sting away a second later.

"What are you thinking about?" Ryan mumbled.

Jon tried to sort his thoughts. It was too complicated, his thoughts. He ran his hands through Ryan's hair that was still dripping with water. A droplet threatened to fall from his brow and Jon pressed a finger to it, gathering the liquid and ran it down past his temple and the curve of Ryan's cheek and across his jawline. Lucky water for being able to touch the entire expanse of Ryan's glorious skin, Jon thought. "I'm thinking about how much I want to take this offending towel off," Jon said, his eyes never leaving Ryan's.

Ryan smirked. "Sure, you can take it off but first you really must take this off." Ryan's hands fell to his jeans, already working on its fastenings. Once undone, Ryan took care to try and pull them off in one go. It didn't quite work when it caught on his hip.

Jon laughed as he lifted his hips so that Ryan could pull the rest of the material off. "That was smooth."

Ryan smiled. "No, this is smooth," Ryan said as he crawled back over onto Jon's body. He took a long, slender finger and pressed just the tip of it to Jon's chest. He then moved it down, slowly, over his sternum. When he reached his abdomen, Jon's breath hitched. "So smooth and what's this, a little resistance?" The pressure of Ryan's finger deepened slightly, mirroring his exploration from earlier when it ran down the thin line of hair that led downwards and disappeared into Jon's boxer briefs. Ryan's smile faded, but his eyes twinkled with glee when it came to a stop just above the hem. "Fuck, its been so long."

Jon watched his boyfriend quietly, not realizing he was holding his breath when Ryan's finger had stopped in its descent.

"How did I last for this long, Jon?"

Jon didn't know what to say, so he said the first thing that came to mind. "Not sure, but you better hurry before you stop lasting." Jon cringed as soon as the words left his mouth. How could he be so insensitive at a time like this? They had been working up to this moment for weeks. Especially when they got the results that all was well with Ryan. That was two weeks ago. Ryan was the one who had initiated the conversation of wanting to be able to go back to how things were before the attack, which led to him pulling Jon to him and palming his cock through his jeans to emphasize his point. Jon couldn't help but agree. They were soon reduced to frantic touches, entangled limbs and heated words until Jon worked Ryan's pants off, but then everything shifted. Ryan was standing across the room, out of his reach so fast that Jon didn't even have the time to close his mouth after declaring how much he wanted Ryan. The words 'I want' lingered in the air for a moment before Ryan made a move, leaving the room after whispering 'I cant.'

Jon couldn't believe how he ruined the moment. "Ryan, I--"

Ryan put a finger to his mouth, silencing him.

Jon breathed through his nose, he tried to keep still while his mind raced on trying to find a way to fix the situation.

"I want you," Ryan whispered, as his thumb ran the skin of his bottom lip. Ryan then moved to pull down his briefs.

Jon moved minutely under Ryan, not wanting to do anything that might put an end to whatever Ryan was going to do.

Ryan met his eyes as he moved atop him, straddling his hips. He bit his lips as he took Jon's hand and put it onto the corner of the towel that he was wearing around his hips. "You still want to take it off?"

Jon nodded. He found himself nervous, more nervous than the first time they had had sex. He wasn't surprised that his hand trembled as he pulled the towel off, exposing all of Ryan to his eyes. Ryan shifted so that the towel could be completely removed and thrown over the side of the bed. He then sat back on Jon's hips. A small smile graced his lips before he licked it away and leaned down to kiss him. "Still want me?" He asked against his lips. 

"How could I not?"

Ryan shrugged.

Jon bit his lip as he realized that everything must feel so different for Ryan right now. Jon wondered what it would be like in his situation. How he would probably swear sex off altogether had he been taken the way Ryan was. Jon glanced at Ryan's erection, both amazed and curious as to how Ryan could still be turned on at the prospect of sex.

Jon pulled Ryan into a hug and held him more tightly when the younger man buried his head into the crook of his neck and shoulder, and relaxed his body atop him.

"We don't have to do this."

"But I want to. I want you so much," Ryan said into his shoulder.

"Tell me what you're thinking about."

Ryan lifted his head to make eye contact. "I don't want to put thoughts into your head."

"Tell me anyway." Jon squeezed Ryan's hand.

"I--I was thinking that--I couldn't help but think that I would feel different. To you--that I would feel different, you know, inside?" Ryan closed his eyes. "It's stupid, really."

"Not stupid," Jon said quickly, his hand cupping Ryan's cheek. He waited until Ryan opened his eyes again. "We'll take it slow."

"Not like our first time then?" Ryan asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

Jon cringed and laughed. Now that's a memory he would love to forget. "Let's hope that we'll never have a repeat performance of that special night."

It was Ryan's turn to laugh. "Yeah, never again. But yeah, it was special. I mean, it says a lot about us that we wanted to try a second time, right?"

Jon smiled. "Yeah, yeah it does say a lot about us."

Ryan shifted again, moving off of him for a moment to turn off the bedside light.

Jon then moved onto his side of the bed and waited for Ryan to settle into his side.

"I love you," Ryan said and pressed a kiss to the corner of Jon's mouth before he rested his head atop his chest. Jon put an arm around Ryan and pulled a cover over them both. He pressed a kiss to the crown of Ryan's head.

"I love you," Jon whispered before he closed his eyes. His last thought before he drifted off to sleep was how he imagined this night to go a number of different ways, and even if this wasn't one of the ways he had imagined, he was glad that it happened nonetheless. They were closer, more now than ever. And for that, Jon was completely satisfied.

Fin!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this last part didn't go as planned, less smut than I had imagined when I started this thing. It's not NC-17 at all. And I must say, I was pretty disappointed after re-reading my last few parts. So I changed it. XD The final part is an epilogue (of sorts). So, stay tuned!


	14. Chapter 14

Epilogue:

Ryan woke up, feeling giddy. And that was a rare experience upon waking up. He knew he could be quite the bitch in the morning. However, on this particular morning he felt energized, relaxed, calm, peaceful and probably a number of other nice feelings.

All these nice feelings, Ryan knew, was because of the man next to him. This man that never left him. This man that actually told him that his grumpy morning routine was actually endearing. _Endearing_. Who says words like that anyway?

Ryan nuzzled his cheek against Jon's smooth chest. The older man stirred, but did not wake. Ryan considered going back to sleep, but his rare mood was much too good to waste. And besides that, when Ryan did a quick once-over his boyfriend, who was currently sleeping soundly, he noticed that not all of Jon was asleep. Jon was sporting an impressive piece of morning wood. Ryan smiled at the tenting sheet. He was tempted to reach out and stroke the hardened length but another, more promising plan crossed his mind. 

Ryan was made aware that they hadn't spooned since that fucked up night when he woke up so messed up that he forgot where he was, and more significantly, who he was with. That night he had hurt Jon, no matter if the man denies it. He hurt him. He knew the reason why Jon punched a hole in the wall. It wasn't because Ryan hit him. It wasn't out of sexual frustration, or any other lame reason. It was because Jon realized that Ryan was broken. Or, more broken. Jon was angry because he was hurt and he didn't know what to do about it. Ryan knew this because he wasn't stupid. He knew how difficult he could be as he wasn't the kind of person to share his feelings. 

Ryan frowned. He didn't want to think such thoughts, not when he was feeling so good just seconds ago. He pushed the unwanted memory to the side to contemplate at another time. 

This was the time for him to feel good. He needed to feel good and this was a feeling he wanted to share. He wanted to share this feeling with Jon.

Spooning was his favorite position. He loved being covered. He loved being held. He loved being wrapped in Jon's arms.

Ryan turned quietly, carefully around so that his back faced Jon's side. Ryan looked over his shoulder and noticed how Jon's arm twitched for a second. Ryan smiled when he was satisfied that Jon was still very much asleep. He waited another moment before he took Jon's hand that was on the other side of his body, and encircled it with his own. He wondered if the man would wake on his next move. He bit his lip, took a breath and went for it. He leaned into Jon's side, while simultaneously pulling Jon's arm towards him. Again he smiled at the results. Jon had moved towards him, his body quickly finding his and his arm encircled his middle. Jon mumbled a few choice words: "Too fucking early," but otherwise remained unaware of Ryan's ministrations.

Ryan smiled at his small victory and his smile widened when he felt a warm hardness pressed against his back. It felt good. Ryan wanted more. He wriggled backwards to press more into the man behind him. Yes, much too good. It was perfect.

He wondered what he could get away with, or better yet, what he would be caught doing, and what would it lead to. Oh, the possibilities, Ryan thought. He shifted his hips, loving how he could feel Jon's erection fill even more. Ryan carefully loosened Jon's arm around his middle so that he could move himself higher. He sighed in relief when he didn't feel Jon stir as he moved into position where Jon's cock slipped in the crevice of his ass. Ryan bit his lip to keep from moaning when he rolled his hips and the delicious weight of Jon's cock pressed even further into him. Ryan debated if he could get away with jerking himself off. He unclasped his hand with Jon's to reach for his aching cock, but was unsuccessful when a hand took hold of his wrist.

"You little wanker," said a gravelly voice behind him.

"Oh, did I wake you? My apologies." Ryan smirked, rolling his hips to get a rise out of the waking man. 

"Hmmm that feels good," Jon murmured. "Don't stop."

Ryan smiled. "Only if you promise to be my big spoon... always."

Jon laughed and Ryan's smile grew as he felt the soft puffs of air against his neck. 

"I promise to be your big spoon, always."

Ryan swiveled his hips again. This time Jon's cock brushed against the rim of his anus. 

Two gasps echoed into the room.

"Fuck, Ryan."

"Jon, I... I... please, want you inside."

Jon let out a long shuddering breath, his forehead leaning into the junture of Ryan's neck and shoulder. "Give me a second. Please, don't move."

Ryan nodded and felt Jon press a kiss to his neck before he moved back to reach for the side drawer. Ryan made a frustrated sound when Jon's cock slipped away from him. After a moment, Ryan heard a tearing noise, the sound of a condom wrapper opening. "Jon?"

"Yeah, baby?"

Ryan looked behind him to face Jon. "We normally use protection and I don't have anything against it, but, you know, I was thinking, even before, you know..." Ryan bit his lip. "Nevermind."

"All that and nevermind?" Jon smiled, raising an eyebrow. "Tell me."

Ryan could feel his cheeks go red. Well, he got this far, Ryan thought. "I kinda wanted to, you know, feelwhatitislikewithoutacondom, but we don't have to if you don't want to, of course." Ryan bit his cheek to keep from opening his mouth again.

"Oh, wow, Ryan--"

Ryan's eyes widened at Jon's blank look. "Forget it, okay? I--It was just a thought." Ryan ran a hand through his hair, frowning when his finger caught in a tangle. Fuck it all, this wasn't the time for bed head.

Jon chuckled. "Fuck, you're adorable, you know?"

"Shut up, don't call me that." Ryan pouted.

Jon narrowed his eyes. "I called you a wanker earlier, but you get offended when I call you adorable?" Jon smiled. "That's so... ador--cute?"

"Shut up." Ryan rolled his eyes. "Come the fuck here, will you?"

Jon made his way back behind Ryan, his hand brushing Ryan's side. "About the no condom thing, you realize that that's like the sexiest thing you ever said to me?"

Ryan met his gaze again. "You don't have to humor me."

"I'm not."

"So, you're saying that you're like turned on by it?"

"I was turned on before, but fuck, I thought I could come just from your abounding invitation alone."

"Abounding invitation?" Ryan rolled his eyes again at Jon's use of vocabulary.

"Yeah, fuck, Ryan you just invited me to come into your sweet, beautiful ass, fuck--fuck." Jon said, closing his eyes, when his bare erection brushed against the swell of Ryan's back side.

"Umph," Ryan groaned. The friction was too much. He moved his hand back to his untouched, neglected cock. "Jon, can we just--I want you."

Ryan felt Jon nod behind him and heard the familiar click of the lube bottle. And before he could let out the breath he was holding, he felt Jon's hand spreading him. "Lift your leg a little." Jon sounded winded. "Fuck, Ry, so beautiful."

Ryan buried his face in the pillow when he felt a slick finger brushing at his entrance. "Fuck, please don't tease right now--I need..." 

And that was all Jon needed to get the hint.

Jon fingered him slowly, too slowly, but Ryan was thankful for the time to adjust. It was a long, torturous minute before a second finger joined the first. Ryan gasped at the sensation. "A... third."

Normally, two was all Ryan wanted. Jon's fingers are thick, and two fingers meant that he would be able to feel more of the stretch when Jon's cock would enter him. He liked to feel the pleasure-pain of being stretched, filled. But now, he knew the extra preparation was definitely needed. Just one and two fingers felt tight. It's been so long, and he didn't want to ruin the moment if say he asked to stop because it hurt. No, Ryan wanted this too much. He didn't want to stop. Not ever.

When Jon added a third finger, Ryan squeezed his eyes shut. 

"Okay?"

"Yeah," Ryan whispered back.

"Breathe, baby, relax for me," Jon murmured as he pressed kisses along his shoulder.

Ryan nodded and turned his head, Jon moved so that he could meet him half-way, and kissed him. Ryan opened his mouth and let Jon run his tongue along his bottom lip before it brushed along his tongue and the inside of his cheek. Ryan deepened the kiss but had to break it when his body instinctively arched when Jon crooked his fingers just so, hitting that spot that made his toes curl. "Fuck, Jon."

"That's it, baby." Jon pressed a kiss to the side of his mouth.

"'M ready." Ryan breathed.

Jon nodded.

Ryan felt Jon's fingers leave him, and was alarmed at the sudden loss of contact. "Jon..." 

"Here," Jon said as he placed another kiss to his shoulder.

Ryan listened to another click. And then there it was, Jon's cock. Ryan gasped, his eyes widening. He looked at Jon, who met his gaze a second later.

"We'll take it slow,." Jon reassured.

Ryan nodded and then he felt Jon enter him slowly. He was a flood of emotions and sensations. Pain. Heat. Hot. Filled. Stretched. And it felt familiar. It felt good. Ryan sighed. "Yes."

Jon's hand slid across his stomach and then slid lower until it reached the base of his cock. He squeezed it gently, before he pumped the length of him with slick fingers.

"Fuck, yeah." Ryan moved back, further seating himself onto Jon's length. "Fuck, fuck, so good."

"You're so tight. Hot. Ryan, baby, not gonna last," Jon said as he thrust into him.

Ryan matched Jon's movements, moving back when he moved forward. With each thrust, Jon's hand around his cock had slackened, but just feeling the heat of his heavy hand around him so intimately was too much. It felt too much, and yet, not enough. He wanted more and more, loving being filled so completely. Ryan felt his stomach tighten. "Gonna come... I... mmm."

"Come, yes, do it, I'm gonna come too."

Ryan's hand joined Jon's as he shuddered, his release overtaking him, spurting over and around their hands. Jon was still thrusting inside of him; his pace increasing and growing more erratic till finally, he came with a deep groan. Ryan wasn't sure if he was imagining the feeling of liquid heat spread inside of him, but it felt amazing. His stomach clenched and unclenched as he rode the aftershocks of his own orgasm.

Ryan was exhausted, but moved a hand to Jon's hip behind him. "Don't pull out yet."

Jon only nodded, placing random kisses over his skin. "That was... wow."

"I concur." He was too exhausted to say anything more. He smiled as Jon's arms circled around him.

"Your big spoon loves your little spoon." Those words spoken in a deep, sure voice was the last thing Ryan was aware of before he drifted to sleep.

The next time he woke he was itchy, sore and uncomfortable, but he was still wrapped in strong arms. Ryan smiled and shook his head. "No, I feel loved."

"You are so very loved," Jon murmured against his skin.

**Part 14:**

"I wrote you a song." Ryan smiled as he looked out the window.

Jon chuckled. "One: I've heard. Two: You didn't write the song yourself. Three: The lyrics seem to be about Super Bowl, however, I'll give you that I could totally be over-analyzing the lyrics."

Ryan laughed and gripped his phone harder as he pictured Jon ticking his points off. "One: You haven't heard _this_ song yet. Two: I wrote this one all by myself. Believe me, if Alex helped, he wouldn't let this song see the light of day. Three: You could _over_ -analyze this song all you want."

"Let's hear it then."

Ryan bit his lip as he pictured the smile at the other end of the line. It was so easy. He knows Jon more than he knows himself. He knows every line of his body. Every crease that crinkles around his eyes when he smiles. He knows how he likes his eggs. How he likes his coffee. His favorite beer. And how he hates it in a cup. How he dislikes socks because he hates putting them on. He knows that Jon likes mornings, but loves the moon. And he also knows that for whatever reason, Jon loves him.

Ryan smiled. He knows unimportant things about himself. And a few important things, too. He loves all the likes, dislikes, hates and loves of Jon Walker. Jon, he knows and loves, and is a little crazy over the fact that Jon knows him and is still in love with him.

Ryan takes in a breath. "Hey, Jon?"

"Yeah?"

Ryan briefly thought that this is something he shouldn't say over the phone, but if he doesn't say it now he knows that he won't do it later. Later he might be too scared. Later he might not be like this, like himself. "I don't want to run anymore."

A pause. An audible puff of air on Jon's end.

Ryan pictured the quiet line of Jon's shoulders relax. And when he came back to himself, and looked out the window again. He saw fuzzy shapes and blurry colors. Ryan was confused for a moment, before he reached up to touch his cheek. It was slick. Wet. Smooth. It felt good. He felt good.

 

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 **tobejonwalker** [_this song makes me run WAY faster!?_](https://twitter.com/#!/iamjonwalker/status/35417216371400705)

 **imstillryanross** _then it serves it's purpose!_  
6:52 PM Feb 9th via Echofon in reply to tobejonwalker

 **@tobejonwalker** and **@iamstillryanross** you dicks!

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Somewhere, at some time, and somehow, two guys looked at each other and felt happy.

FIN!!!


End file.
